Mad all the time
There I was trying to make supper for some friends. Friends I wanted to see, friends I invited over and I was mad. I don’t mean a little irritated; I mean mad. Frothing at the mouth mad. Strangle some pencil necked geek mad. The rage I felt was all-consuming appeared to come out of nowhere. I felt like I was caught in the middle of a tornado. If you would have asked me what was wrong, I would not have been able to tell you. I didn’t know. I had no way to explain.
Rage, uncontrollable rage that goes from zero to plus 100 in a Mila second was just waiting to rear its ugly head. Scared the shit out of me. If you can believe it the little fireball (that’s another story) was afraid. I never knew when it would happen.
Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t a stranger to anger. Take the time I was trying to fix the fence, for instance.
The chainsaw wouldn’t run. I cranked and cranked and finally ripped the cord out. The entire while swearing like a banshee. Off the get the tools to fix it. Finally get the cord rewound and the thing started and the phone rang. I was on call and could not ignore the phone. I tried answering the phone, but I couldn’t hear who was on it, I was too far away from the base unit. Have you ever tried walking with a phone in one hand holding it to your ear while trying to keep the saw going with the other? Saw quit, line went dead. I grip the phone trying to squeeze it to death. I crank and crank and crank. I try to smash the saw with a log that is laying there. I crank and crank. RRRRRR , I am fighting with the choke and trigger trying to keep the piece of shit running. The phone rings…… I run up the hill ( I had left the phone closer to the base unit) Fifth ring, I am out of breath, I answer, the saw quits. I want to scream. Wrong number. I want to sit down and bawl. I hate the saw, I hate the telephone, I hate being on call. I need to fix the fence. I stride back down the hill looking for something to really smash the saw with. Can’t find anything. What happened to that log you ask. Well it is in bits about 1 ½ feet long lying by the fence. Log vs. saw with raging idiot and log lost. I crank and crank. Swear and crank. Scream and crank. RRRRR I finally got it running again, I cut the tree off the fence, and am heading for the 2 branches that are on the fence. The phone rings. I stomp up the hill, white with rage and with the saw revved to the max I saw the phone into bits. Sod is flying, I am bent on destroying the phone. The saw quits. I walk my shoulders tight, my teeth clenched, just daring anyone to step in my way. I glance around, the horses, dogs and cats are all observing from a distance. I get the hand saw and sledgehammer. I walk back to the saw and proceed to smash it to bits with the sludge hammer. I feel good. The tension is all gone. Using the hand saw I finish removing the debris from the fence. Whoooo!! Walk back up the hill, crawl under the electric fence, the fence hits my head. I am knocked to my knees. My roommate hands me the sledgehammer and I burst out laughing. The difference is that through this whole rage attack I felt in control not like now.
It has taken me the past 12 years to finally figure it out. I was mad because:
I was trying to hurry
I was trying to do more than one thing at a time (multitask)
I was having trouble focussing
I was trying to stay on task
The cat and dog were moving around and causing a huge distraction
I was mad I did this too myself ( invite)
I could not bear any more noise or distraction
Too many things were happening at once
I wanted to hide
I was tired
I felt trapped
I am not having fun
I wasn’t ready
I didn’t know if I added the sugar or not…
I had no sense of smell or taste, I couldn’t tell anything
I finally processed a conversation a week or more old only to realize I did not like how they spoke or what they said to me.